I am sitting at my new desk, with a new view from my new room; another year at university begins, my final year at college.
Because I’d been AWOL pretty much all summer, I have not been being looked after by the college/health centre support system (my psychiatrist, the Community Psychiatric Nurse, my three doctors, various nurses, counsellors, personal advisor and such like). But alas, my first few days at university revolve around seeing all of these people in order to create a Recovery plan for me to ensure a happy, successful and productive year ahead.
Somebody emailed me asking about my medication, which has been altered this morning, so here’s an update on my little life-saving pills, or “magic sweeties” as my nephews call them.
1 x 225mg Venlafaxine
3 x 40mg Propranolol
1 x 15mg Aripiprazole
2 x 5mg Diazepam
The Diazepam is much needed for when I “crack out” as my partner calls it: that is, when I have a really funny turn and act completely insane/crying/shouting/self harming/generally being scary. I hope these new pills help me, but I’m nervous for their sedative effects. Hopefully they’ll just knock me out. But I need to be in control: I’ve never felt so out of control in my life as I do right now.
The new CPN is lovely and she said a lot of good, positive things to me this morning. She really made me think about how important it is for me to look after myself– to eat breakfast, go running, do my writing, sleep 8 hours a night. She used a clever analogy about cars and medication: “You have a car. It’s perfect, it can get you from A-Z. But you didn’t put any fuel in it, so it won’t go. We can paint it, do it up, put an air freshener in it, but without fuel it won’t work. It’s the same with your medication. If you don’t look after yourself, and put the energy in, the pills won’t work.”
I’ve been given a lot to think about this morning, about quitting booze and quitting smoking and starting up at the gym. I had breakfast for the first time in years, which is a positive start. Cereal, with milk, and grapes and an apple. I am really trying. Please pray for me, pray for my recovery; I really need it.