17

I broke NaBloPoMo, because of my stupid fucking illness. I had a huge breakdown last night and didn’t have the heart to write about it at the time, I was too “all over the place.” Things got real bad between my partner and I, again, and everything turned to shit very rapidly, so fast that I didn’t have time to catch up with it. I ended up saying and doing stupid things, things which I now think that I regret. And I try not to regret things, but regret is the only word which springs to mind in relation to my actions last night. I’ve decided that I need to quit drinking once and for all, so I’m going cold turkey which terrifies me but is necessary for my survival. Suicidal thoughts come in waves, their intensity rising and falling like the tide. I’m exhausted. I am seeing the Community Psychiatric Nurse tomorrow and I’m going to tell her that I really need help: like, really need help. Everything scares me and makes me anxious for the future which is strange because I can’t see any future past today.

I know I need to concentrate on here and now. At the moment, I am a very sick young woman. I need help. That’s the first step to Recovery, isn’t it? Admitting that I need help? Maybe that’s where I’ve been going wrong, I skipped the first step and dived straight in at the deep end knowing full well that I can’t swim. I’ve been going about Recovery all wrong. Another failure to add to my list. It’s like relapse after relapse at the moment. I don’t know how long I can live like this for. I know that I need to make some major changes in my life, starting with quitting booze. It all just seems to be too much to bear at the moment. I need all the support that I can get, I’m willing to let anyone help me so long as that’s exactly what they do: help. I feel so overwhelmed. I am exhausted. Heartbreak, breakdown, broken.

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5 thoughts on “17

  1. Hey, so sorry to hear this news. Do what you feel is right for yourself right now, whether that’s cry or write or rest. We all have relapses in life so don’t get down on yourself, just make moves forwards as best you can, sounds like you are already doing that with decisions and actions.
    Have strength to ask for help whenever you need it, that goes for discussing things out here too.

      • You are welcome. I can’t very for myself, only for others. I cried for myself once many years ago, and the tidal wave of emotion that came bursting forwards was so scary that I’ve put up impenetrably thick walls to keep it away. Now I just feel sad and wish for leaks in the dam(n) wall.

  2. I.Am.Here. :) the decision to see your Community Psychiatric Nurse is the right thing to do. But as a friend, I am here to listen to you. Let me know your inner most thoughts and figure things out. I am willing to help if you are willing to open up. As for now, all I could share publicly is: breathe..assert yourself,list down your thoughts-it doesn’t matter whether it’s bad or good-list down the things that make you happy and sad.then either mail me at siegmom29@yahoo.com or post how you feel after writing those things. I’ll be waiting. :)

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