Begging/Please/Sorry

I never thought I’d see the day: the day I begged to get you back. Through my sobs I spluttered words from my heart, gesticulating wildly with my shaking hands, looking deep into your eyes but at the same time avoiding all eye contact with you, I begged.

x

Don’t you love me?
Of course I love you.
Well, when two people love each other they stay together.
But a year ago, I wanted to marry you: now I’m not sure what I want.
You want to be happy. You want old times. I can give you what you want.
I’m not sure that you can anymore.
Please.
I’m sorry.
Please. I am begging you. Don’t give up on us.

We know what causes rifts between us now, so we can make sure that these problems never happen again.

I’ve quit drinking alcohol, so there’ll be no more drunken fights. I’ll quit smoking tomorrow. I’ll do anything.
You quitting smoking isn’t going to solve anything.
But you hate me smoking, I’ll quit tomorrow, I swear.
It’s not about smoking, Helena.
For fucks sake, what is it about then?
It’s about you threatening to kill yourself. I can’t handle that. I can’t deal with it.
I’ll never threaten suicide again. Us being apart is what makes me suicidal, if we get back together I won’t say such things ever again.
But I don’t want it to be 5 years down the line and you suddenly get suicidal again, I can’t deal with it.
But it’s not my fault that I get that way.
It’s not my fault either.
Please. I am begging you. Don’t give up on us.
I’m sorry.

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I’m sorry too. I am sorry that I am mentally ill. I am sorry that you “can’t deal with” the fact that I have bipolar disorder. I am sorry that you don’t want to look after me. I am sorry that I am so desperately unhappy that suicide seems both practical, feasible and rational. I am sorry that I say how I feel. I am sorry that I confide in you. I am sorry that I am mentally ill. I am sorry that in this situation, we have no one to pin the blame on: it’s not my fault I’m mentally ill, but it’s not your fault either. I am sorry that your best friend touched me up, then lied when you confronted him. I am sorry that we would rather do a line of cocaine than talk to each other. I am sorry that I choose alcohol over you, every time. I am sorry that I smoke like a chimney. I am sorry that my medication made me put on weight. I am sorry that your family loves me so much. I am sorry that I have nowhere to live apart from your house. I am sorry that I belong nowhere but in your arms. I am sorry for everything. I am just sorry.

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5 thoughts on “Begging/Please/Sorry

  1. I used to go out with a guy, where we used drugs instead of talking to each other. It hurt breaking up. it was similar to yours. I was mentally and emotionally unstable and unaware as to why, because I had no diagnosis, no medication or therapy.

    It’s really cliche to say it but I mean it, you’ll find somewhere much better. Anyway, a psychopath is better than no path. :D (That’s not really a relevant point but it kinda reminds me that like.. ‘so what if I’m a bit crazy?’

    If someone wants to break up with you, or use as a factor, that you’re sometimes suicidal you should tell them to completely jog da fuck on m8.

    When I meet guys I’m interested in now, I tell them I have BPD and I’m on medication. I find it scares away people that inevitably would not be right for me. Plus, my mental health is a large part of my life at the moment: as I’m sure it is with you. Furthermore crazy people 9/10 times have the best stories to tell. Me and my friends can casually discuss A&E suicide attempts and have a laugh over previous meetings with GP/NHS employees gone wrong, haha. Like the time I quoted Prozac Nation in an assessment.

    I’m going on a massive tangent here but you get my general drift, I hope. You’re fab ok xoxoxoxxo

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