I am in self-destruct mode.
I feel absolutely depressed but simultaneously on the verge of manic: this has never happened before, it’s a very strange sensation.
I am terrified and excited and everything is a mess and I love it. I want everything in excess, everything that is bad for me. I have a terrific skill and awful habit of destroying things that are beautiful. Give me a mountain of white powder, and a pint of vodka and I’ll smoke until my lungs fall out onto the floor. I want to ruin myself so that I know where to begin to make myself better. First fix the hangover by doing some more drugs and drinking lots of water, then cure cocaine blues by taking Vitamin C and Valium, then have a day off from cigarettes. Then I can get to work on cleaning my bedroom which has begun to resemble a crack den, then I can take some more drugs and finish my dissertation. Then, once I’ve had my fill of excess, of pure, dirty, lying, cheating, scheming, naughty, brilliant, magnificent excess, then I can work on fixing my broken heart and my crushed soul.
One new message:
Keep going bubs you’ll get there x
Thank you, I really hope you’re right pickle :(
One thing at a time. One day at a time. One kiss at a time. I’ll be fine.