Again

My ex boyfriend and my best friend. Again. For the third time. I am heartbroken. I can’t do this.

I didn’t want to be alive yesterday, so I took too much Zopiclone and slept for England.

I don’t want to be alive today either.

I’m starting Lithium tomorrow, and I’m terrified.

I have never felt so alone. I feel sick. I feel exhausted. I am drained. I feel sick. I am so depressed I don’t know what to do.

Suicide is a tempting seductress, coaxing me with open arms and a warm smile and promises of happiness.

I’ll be happy in the next lifetime.

If you can’t find something to live for, you better find something to die for.

In that case, I am going to die for you.

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6 thoughts on “Again

  1. Hang in there. I know lots of people that are on lithium and it works great for them. I know several others that hated it. Give it a try. It might be great for you

  2. That really sucks H. I can understand that is tearing you up. Don’t live your life for other people and don’t die for other people. Live for what you want, whether that is achievable now or something to work towards.

      • Each day is recovery, even the ups and downs. The shitty days and the good days, they are all little steps to recovery. I don’t know how exactly, I just know it is. Though the black days feel like you’ve slipped back somewhere you don’t want to be, remember you are still steps closer towards something better. I know right now better is not equal to recovery, but I know right now there is something you can do for yourself. Something good, something you will one day be glad of. But right now is all that really matters anyway. Give yourself space to breathe in a little more you than there was before, push yourself that fraction of a millimetre forwards. And afterwards allow yourself to feel some good about what you did. Forget about the shitty feelings, life’s full of them. Do something right for yourself, do something right now that I could feel good about too. Because I care enough to do something right for you. And if I was able to do more, I would do it just for you.
        Peter

      • That nearly made me cry, thank you so much for your wise and thoughtful words. I am going to read ‘A Visit from the Good Squad’ for my class tomorrow because I will attend that class whether it f*cking kills me, because I deserve an education and I deserve to do well. Thank you, I wish you a day of peace. xxxx

      • That sounds like a good plan. Follow it through. Show the f*ckers you can do this. You will get back all the effort you put in, no matter how hard it may seem today. Because when it’s shitty and hard that’s when you need to make the effort against everything else you feel otherwise.
        And that is exactly how my weekend has been. I could have hidden away in bed for two days and tried to let it all go. But even when I could hardly pick myself up, I focused on me and now and willed myself into action, thinking just one step in front of now and kept going yesterday and again today. And I slept like crazy because I was exhausted, but I can just feel enough good right now to know that it was worth it. And tomorrow is work and the struggle will start all over again, albeit in a different framework, but I’ve gotta just do all that I can in the moment, and trust that somehow it will all work out eventually. So it’s goodnight from me and wishing you energy and focus for a good day in your now and in your tomorrow.
        Peter xx

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