No Direction Home

My meeting with the CPN went well. I’ve seen her many, many times, but this is the first time I’ve cried in front of her.

The meeting consisted of lots of psycho-babble about my inner child, and repression and regression, and blaming things on my upbringing, etc. But we had a moment of revelation.

I am so sick to death of looking after myself, which I have been doing since I was 11, so consequently I expect the people in my life to look after me because I feel like I can no longer do it myself. My expectations are subsequently far too high, my expectations are unrealistic and are therefore impossible to achieve. Nobody is responsible for my mental health apart from me. I must look after myself because I am the only one who can.

Huzzah! An epiphany!

I’m having no Lithium side effects which she is very pleased about. She said, ‘This means it is working well.’ This makes me happy.

She also said I have made two very positive steps this weekend:
1. Choosing to walk away from my ex and my best friend, rather than creating a scene/killing them.
2. Choosing to take too much Zopiclone and sleep through the weekend. She didn’t condone my casual use of overdose, but she said sleeping through the pain was a good idea.

*

Tonight, you are coming to visit me. Everything must go as I have planned inside my head, as I have imagined, or else I will be pushed to suicide again. I am begging you not to hurt me tonight. Please don’t break me down. Please just… be nice. 

Nervous/anxiety/butterflies-in-belly moment to come soon.

Wishing you all a day of peace and quiet. xx

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