Blame Game

Ever since I binged on those two grams of absolutely dreadful cocaine last week, I have felt entirely brain dead. I cannot think. Everything confuses me. Everything is too much. My girlfriend just asked me, “What’s another word for ‘pleasant’?” because I am a walking dictionary, but I couldn’t think of a single word and had to Google it. “What’s another word for ‘survive’?” “Ask Google, baby.”

Jesus, I feel completed zoned out from everything. I’m trying to read Mourning, Modernism and Postmodernism for my essay research but am seriously struggling with the reading the introduction, struggling to differentiate between aesthetic and anaesthetic. Fuck. Total mindfuck.

I don’t know what was in that coke (I thought it was just flour, paracetamol and bicarb) but it has effectively numbed my brain. It’s easy to blame drugs. Because if it wasn’t the coke, it must be the lithium. Something is making me feel this “out of it.” I can’t think straight at all.

I’m going to go to the Health Centre now cos I’ve run out of Venlafaxine 75s and Lithium 200s. Gonna try and get some more sleeping pills as well. And hopefully S, the lovely receptionist, will give me a slap round the face to wake me the fuck up.

I am a mess. Kids, don’t do drugs. Poetry to come later. xx

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