But as sure as God made black and white
What is done in the dark will be brought to the light.
This post is just a rambling update of sorts, for my own sake really; this constant chaos is hard to comprehend but it helps to write it out.
It has been exactly two months since I last received any money from the government (57 quid does NOT go far). So it has been two months since I had any money to my name. I survive in a number of ways. It’s a godsend that so many men treat me as if I am their own daughter, or younger sister, I am so lucky — one of them paid me 20 quid to go for a drink with him and he bought me my first proper meal in three weeks, which was nice. People are generally helpful, buying me drinks and smokes and giving me money for the bus fare. I’m grateful of course, so grateful, but I really don’t like accepting money from people as I can’t guarantee when I can pay them back. So I have had to revert back to my criminal ways just to survive, and call upon old favours in order to keep my head above the water. I’m tired of it. It would be so nice to have money for the bus every day.
I am seeing the psychiatrist (with my care team) on Thursday. He’s spent the past few weeks writing an extensive report on my medical history which will provide the evidence that I need to qualify for the top level of social security payments. I’ve already got a medical certificate from my GP which states that I am unfit for work. I hope this psychiatry report includes all the relevant information, I’m a bit nervous that it won’t be adequate and then my application for disability benefits will be delayed even longer. Fuck. I haven’t seen this shrink for 3 months… 12 weeks flies when you’re having fun.
Which made me think… when did I last get my contraceptive injection done? It only works for 12 weeks, and usually I get the next shot on the 11th week so that it ticks over nicely, leaving me safe from pregnancy. I’ve been on the contraceptive injection for years and this is the first time I genuinely have no idea when I last got it done thus no idea when I’m due the next one. After a moment of panic and frantic calendar hopping, plus checking my call register back to October/November to work out when my last appointment was booked, I have concluded that I should have had it done last week. THANK FUCK I REMEMBERED ABOUT IT TODAY, as the clinic for under 25s is tomorrow so I can get it done during the 13th week. The hormones in the injection start to fade away in the 13th week but because I’ve been on this method of contraception for so long, I should be safe. LET US PRAY… because…
I went back to THAT GUY I started seeing over New Year.. yes, that one, the racist, sexist, homophobic, BNP-supporting, compulsive liar and top manipulator.. yes, that one, with the 3 year old son who he is not allowed to see.. yep, that’s the guy, the one who has a random 40 year old woman carrying his baby. *smashes head onto desk* I know, I know. After a whirlwind affair I called it a day, deleted his number and tried to ignore him. I don’t know what happened but on Sunday he got all emotional at me and was sending me all these sweet messages and I could feel his eyes on me from across the bar, and I just turned weak and crumbled and I just wanted his attention. Pregnant Lady drove him home, then I walked up to his house and we had a marvellous reunion and lalalala sex, drugs and on the dole, back to how it was before.
Before I realised that you are a fucking disgraceful human being?
Before I had to punch you in the face to get you to stop shouting on a quiet residential street at 4 o’clock in the morning about how you want to kill Muslims?
Before you manipulated me into thinking that my anger was an overreaction, and that you had the right to be angry at followers of Islam because you served in Afghanistan and Iraq, and have seen your friends die in front of your eyes, and because you can’t play football anymore because of shrapnel from their bombs shredded your calf muscle?
Before you showed me your war wounds and I cried and apologised like the total mug that I am for punching you for being an ignorant, ignorant Islamophobe?
Before your friends and family told me you were in the TA but have never served abroad?
Before you told me that you’re not in a relationship with Pregnant Lady and that you don’t like her at all, twas just a one night stand, but then you kiss her in front of me?
I can’t keep up with his lies (too many to even bother mentioning) but he missed me and I missed attention and so I’ve been staying at his for a few days. He saw all the cuts on my arms and he cried and said that if I ever cut myself again he will stop speaking to me. I don’t know what to think about that. But now apparently Pregnant Lady “knows” that Baby Daddy is having an affair with “that pretty one from the pub.” SIGHHHHHHH. Apparently some bloke called TP (who I have never met in my life) definitely has concrete evidence that this affair is taking place. He told his landlady, another woman I have never met, who just so happens to be best friends with Pregnant Lady. Blah blah blah. I should care more, but I don’t. I should even be scared but again, I just cannot be bothered. We’ll see how he lies his way out of this one eh?
Let us again have a moment to thank every deity that I am not pregnant with his baby. I can’t be, can I? I’m on the 13th week of the injection, it’s fine, it’ll be fine. It will be fine.
ALSO. Big news. I am giving up alcohol for Lent.
I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in.
Obviously I’m really nervous and sad about it. Quite frankly I am dreading it and feel sick already. It’s going to be difficult but I will try, I promise I will try super hard. I’m not going to go in any of the pubs because I know that I will crumble. I need to keep my head down anyway, as I’ve fallen out with lots of people over my drunken behaviour and my sadness means people don’t really want to hang around with me anymore as I just sit and cry. And Pregnant Lady or her landlady friend or TP might kill me if they see me ;) Ha but no I should stay out of everyone’s way for a while. I need time on my own. I’m exhausted.
Wednesday: 1st day of Lent, appt w/ Addiction Services, GET CONTRACEPTIVE INJECTION DONE
Thursday: Psych assessment, withdrawal symptoms, CAFFEINE
Friday: coffee + smokes + books, avoid all pubs.
I’m sorry if you are still reading this post at this point. But you’re in my head, reading my thoughts, which is kind of cool. Rest in Paradise, buddy. J4H. X