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Mood: 4 out of 10 – I am merely existing today. I am making no contribution to the world nor enhancing my life in any way. I just am. I have not left the house, I have not left this room, I have not left this bed.

Reading:

31612

WatchingClouds of Sils Maria (2014), despite Brian Viner calling it a ‘pretentious psycho-drama.’

Listening to: my mother arguing with her brother. The birds. The trains. One of the guys who works in the pub across the road is chucking empty bottles into the bottle bank – the sound is at once comforting and terrifying. I want to be at the pub. I do not want to be at the pub. I want a large glass of wine and a cigarette and a quick shag. I do not want a large glass of wine, or a cigarette, or a quick shag. I want everything. I want nothing.

Drinking: water, water, water – no alcohol. Day one of sobriety. I do not know for how long I intend to keep this up. Thinking about my alcoholism is too difficult to deal with right now. I will probably return to being a fucking alchy by tomorrow. Or even tonight – Jack Daniels is staring at me from across the room.

Eating: Fish n chips n mushy peas, because it’s Fish Friday and I feel like following a Great British tradition.

Smoking: One single JPS silver.

Buying: Nothing at all. I am too scared to check my bank account. I have spent an incredible amount of money this week. I cannot spend any money for a while now.

Trying: desperately hard to understand, to forgive, to forget, to forget everything.

Giving: myself pitying looks when I catch my reflection in the mirror and see what a fucking mess I am.

Worrying: about how to stay out of the pub, all of the pubs, all of the time. Also worrying about how I’m going to take all of my piercings out for my MRI scan tomorrow – some of the metal has been in for years, I don’t think I can take some of them out. Oh well, if I can’t take them out I suppose the machine will rip them out for me.

Loving: you, always. And also Juliette Binoche.

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