Everything about her screamed ‘tumblr whore.’ Chunky, impractical, aggressive platform boots. White over-the-knee socks held in place with pale pink ribbons, Lolita style. The main cause of our mutual horror was a tiny red tartan schoolgirl “skirt” that hung smugly from her protruding hip bones. The “skirt” could not have been more than 4 inches in length and only covered half of her buttocks. I imagine that it was part of a “slutty schoolgirl” Hallowe’en costume, or that perhaps it had featured in a low-budget fantasy porn movie. She wore teeny white shorts under her “skirt” but still her cheeks were on display. Disappointingly, she wore a plain black fitted vest on top but made up for the dullness with a garish sequinned bolero over her shoulders.
She had lots of mismatched bags with her, as if she were going away for a month but didn’t own a suitcase. Maybe she’d been kicked out of her home. She started looking up and down the street, seemingly lost. I wondered what she was doing here. I noticed the sparkly, black flower-fascinator that was secured awkwardly in the middle of her fringe. Her fringe was horribly greasy, jet black but streaked with red and pink. It swept from the right side of her face over her whole forehead and ended up behind her left ear. The rest of her bedraggled black hair extensions hung down to her waist, lank, limp, unhappy.
Her face was a huge, white, rocky landscape. Her features were naturally severe but she made them even more prominent with clownish contouring and harsh highlighting. Her already-obtrusive nose was shining silver, and cartoonish purple eyeshadow stretched from her lash line right up to her over plucked, theatrically-pencilled eyebrows. Her mouth was large and equine, her lips generously outlined with a red pencil and filled in with sloppy, bubblegum gloss. Frankly, she was terrifying, like some sort of Rocky-Horror-parody-drag-queen-pisstake. We don’t get people like her in these parts of town. We don’t see people who dare to dress differently, not around here. She belonged in Camden Town, not here with all the chavs in tracksuits. I’d certainly never seen her around here before. She looked like a car-crash, but I don’t know if she knew that or not.