God is a DJ

I’m so sorry. To you, to myself, to my friends, to my family. I crumbled. I caved. I’m writing this and I’m under the influence of alcohol. Not a lot, but enough. Enough to make me hate myself again.

Every day that I am alive, I am scared. I am terrified of being alive. I thought a few social drinks would ease my anxiety but it only exacerbates my paranoia.

tumblr_nrv2s1mp6c1utg3hco1_500

I don’t know how my limbs still move, how my mouth still speaks; some heavenly spirit keeps me surviving, some god is my puppeteer, some force pumps my blood and inflates my lungs everytime I try to die.

If God is a DJ he’s playing every song that I despise, on repeat, ignoring my pleading requests for my favourite songs.

If life is a dance floor, mine is covered in sticky beer, cigarette butts, empty wraps, vomit, the sweat and saliva of every body that stands in my way; the bodily fluids of the constant clubbers who prevent me from moving forwards, from reaching God, the DJ, from asking, begging for a different song, a better song, a song that I can tolerate, a song that I enjoy, hell, maybe even a song that I love.

How long should you fight, when you know that you are fighting a losing battle? The war against my mind is long and violent, and it’s tiring. I feel like I have to destroy what destroyed me: myself.

X #655321

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “God is a DJ

  1. Your song IS coming, there’s just such a backlog of requests from so many people feeling just like you do. Hang in there, you are not alone, you are not a failure, you are walking forwards every day through this. You are brave and strong and persistent. xx

  2. Bullshit. We can both do this. Edward has relapsed twice since he quit drinking, his most recent attempt at it anyway… get back on the wagon. I believe in you. You can do this. And God isn’t the DJ, whoever he or she is (if he or she or it even exists), you are and I am. XXXXOOOO

  3. We all fall asunder to something, sometimes over and over. I’ve been there too. It’s going to be ok.

  4. Overcome the evils of this world, by letting God enter your heart, so he can purify your soul.

Tell me what you think!

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s