58 mins

Tonight I suffered the longest, most brutal panic attack of my life.

Usually when I’m having a panic attack I can get my breathing under control in less than 10 minutes. The attack this evening lasted 58 minutes, almost an hour. An hour of struggling to stay alive. And, honestly, an hour of thinking “If this is my last breath I am fine with that. Let me go. Please let me go. I will die right now, right here, that’s fine. Let this breath be my last. Let me go. Please let me go.”

God, it was brutal. Hysterical. Choking on air. i couldn’t do anything. Lots of people tried to help. Total strangers phoning paramedics. But I couldn’t really do anything. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move.

After an hour I could breathe and kinda speak broken sentences, and I smoked half a cigarette which really helped. Jesus. An hour-long panic attack. If there is a God up there, I really fucking wonder what he’s trying to prove to me. Please, Lord, I am struggling here. I can’t take anymore of your tests. I’m a tough cookie, but that was bad. I didn’t deserve that. I don’t deserve this. Nobody does. No one.

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4 thoughts on “58 mins

  1. That sounds absolutely horrible. The worst I’ve ever had (and I’ve only had one) only lasted a few minutes but made me puke. I hope today gets a lot better for you. Xo

    • Ugh, it really is awful. Being unable to breathe and having to work so hard to stay conscious puts such a strain on the body. I spent all of yesterday recovering, felt like I’d run a marathon. Much better now xxx

  2. I feel deeply for you, and want to send you a virtual hug. There are no words that I can share with you that will make this from not happening again, but I do want to tell you that I consider it very brave that you are openly writing about what happened to you. You had a terrible attack, you made it through. See how strong you are? You survived. You are a survivor.

  3. fuck yeah. that’s why i don’t think there’s a god. my conversation with him goes, “ok you’ve given me shit to deal with since i was 5, you must be sadistic or you don’t exist.” then i watch the news and i get embarrassed to be complaining. but we feel our pain most deeply, don’t we?

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