Recently I’ve been struggling with auditory hallucinations and it’s really quite scary this time because, when combined with my memory loss and never-ceasing state of anxiousness and paranoia of varying degrees of severity, I generally don’t understand what the fuck is happening and I get all confused and angry and that’s when I do bad things.
I have to carry this sign with me to remind myself that the voices aren’t real.
I hear this same couple arguing all through the night. They’re not voices I recognise though, they sound Latin American. I hear all sorts of radio stations too – music and talk show and sports commentary. And all these fucking noises – doors slamming, keys jangling, cutlery clinking, taps running, fridge opening – that makes me think that there are lots of people in the flat. I just want it to stop now please.
My dad told me to chill out today because I didn’t sleep last night (I was listening to the possibly imaginary radio and trying to remember who else lives in this flat [apparently nobody else]). So I’m going on a date with my man Fyodor and drinking O.J from a Team GB straw and smoking some fancy fucking cigarettes that someone got me from duty free.
God, I am so fucking privileged. Rich little white girl. I’m so lucky. Yesterday the man in front of me on the bus made me remember this. He has multiple personality disorder and spends all day arguing aloud with himself (real vicious, like). Everyone stares and people laugh at him. Yesterday he was eating leaves and twigs, taking bites in between banging his head on the window and calling himself a cunt. I thought how lucky I am to be in touch with reality (whatever that means) and somewhat in control of my behaviour. And then as soon as I got indoors I started bugging out. I’m so tired.
It’s weird how I know the couple are Latin American but I can’t hear their actual words. Must try to decipher if it’s Spanish or Portugese. And I know that the sports commentary is about cricket, even though I can’t quite make out the words, but it’s definitely cricket. And Lou Reed came on earlier but I don’t know the song or the lyrics but I had to scream to drown it out because I adore Lou Reed and his songs hurt me so much and make me feel things I don’t want to feel and his voice grinds my bones down like sandpaper and it hurts and I don’t want it anymore