Things I Hate This Week

Seeing the Union Jack flying at half-mast atop the church, again, for the second time in two months.

Waiting months and years for appointments only to be told by all these “experts” and “professionals” and “specialists” and every other person who promised to help me that I am “beyond help” and that there’s “nothing we can do.”

The Fear.

Unrealistic dreams.

Realistic nightmares.

“Oh my God, The Handmaid’s Tale is so fucking good, it’s so scary and messed up!”
“Yeah, Atwood is a genius. I wasn’t a fan of The Heart Goes Last though, I got bored and didn’t finish–”
“Wait, what? Which one’s Atwood? Is she one of the Aunts? Which episode are you on?!”

My Dad not texting me back.

Empty photo frames.

A punnet of cherries costing £1 more than they did this time last year.

A packet of cigarettes costing £2 more than they did this time last year.

People telling me that I’m not alone. Of course I’m alone, what a stupid thing to say.

Remembering everything.

Remembering nothing.

Every launderette within a 10-mile radius closing at 8pm.

Blunt knives.

Unplanned overdraft fees. THE REASON THAT I’M IN MY FUCKING OVERDRAFT IS BECAUSE I HAVE NO MONEY, WHY ARE YOU CHARGING ME £28 FOR OVERSPENDING 17p WHICH YOU FUCKING OVERDREW BECAUSE YOU WERE CHARGING ME £28 FOR LAST MONTH’S UNPLANNED OVERDRAFT FEE, AND SO IT FUCKING GOES, ON AND ON AND ON,

Taking 25mg + 25 mg + 100mg of Q before bed because the manufacturer has discontinued production of the 150mg tablet.

Dust. Everywhere: dust.

Not being able to wear short sleeves again for while.

My Dad still being dead.

Me.

Me in general, but more specifically:

Me throwing a pity party for myself while there are so many awful things happening around the world.

But every second that I am alive awful things are happening to my head, to my body, to my soul. I am not afraid of Hell because I am in it. Hell is not other people; Hell is me; Hell is Now; Hell is This.

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6 thoughts on “Things I Hate This Week

  1. I can honestly say, I feel all these things and I’ve been through a lot. Bad things just seem to happen to me and I have no control over them. And, it’s like a domino effect too. One thing happens, followed by another, and another, and so on until I reach that point where I say fuck everything and everyone.

    I’m on medications now, helps sometimes. But, not always. Certain meds that work, psychiatrists won’t give me because they are addictive. I literally have to see my primary doctor to get them ever 30-45 days and that visit alone costs me 125$ alone, not counting the prescription. So, often I just suffer-usually in silence, till things feel bad enough. Then I call EMS and land in the hospital thinking I’m having a heart attack.

    The people consistently around don’t understand anything I am going through, often making me feel worse.

    Anyway, give me a shout if you need to talk. Take care.

  2. Who do I call on? Who do I rely on? When


    All these things. All your feelings intersecting with my own. Coming off meds because they were stolen with my bag and it’s way too difficult to try and replace them in a foreign country. Trusting I will be ok. Fearing the familiar sensations that are all associated with negative experiences. Trusting my distant friends to hold me up. Trusting positivity will get me through for a change. Wanting to just sit down and talk with someone like you who would understand all this shit and all this glory that is living for one more day.

  3. Nobody with such poignant, beautiful thoughts is ever beyond help – most ‘experts’ are often lacking enough tools to give to these special people.

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