Remember going downstairs.
Remember speaking to a man.
Woke up in a hospital.
Bed. Ward. Ugly gown. Harsh lights. The usual.
2 nurses counting the silver rings on my fingers.
What is happening?
Ah, helloooo! She’s waking up now, good, good.
What the fuck is this?
It’s alright, you’ve been unconscious for some time, darling, but you’re in the hospital and we’ve been looking after you.
You just stay still and I’ll call the doctor.
No, what? No.
Hey, hey, hey, this mask stays on and just keep your arms there for me. Are you hungry? You should eat something, little lady.
No, no, I need to go now.
Woke up to a nurse trying to spoon-feed me custard.
What is happening?
Just try to stay still.
No, no, no, no.
We’re waiting for someone from the mental health team to see you but it’s going to take a while and you need to stay conscious long enough to sit with them, okay?
No, thanks, no, I’m fine, really, I’d like to go home now please.
You have to stay here because you’ve hurt your head and your body is very poorly at the moment so we’re making you better.
No, I’m fine, thank you, I need to phone my dad and check he’s okay, where’s my phone?
I don’t know, darling, is this your bag?
Yes, that is my bag, where’s my phone?
There’s no phone in here.
Where’s my stuff?
This is all you turned up with.
What? How did I get here?
Ambulance I think, darling, I don’t know, you were on a different ward before you came here.
Oh, what? Fuck. Is it very early morning? Or just morning?
No it’s dinnertime, darling, nearly 8pm.
Nooo, it’s Friday night!
You’re fucking joking me.
Hey! There’s no need for that language.
I’m so confused. I don’t like this.
You got here 3am Thursday I think, I don’t really know.
Oh my God.
Just try to relax, please, come on.
I need my meds now if it’s dinnertime.
No, no more medication for you.
No, you don’t understand, I need my meds. I need my lithium, venlafaxine, quetiapine, propranolol, I have to take them now otherwise I’ll have a breakdown, withdrawal symptoms start straight away if I don’t take them on time and it’s so horrible, please, I have to take them at the same time every day, please, I’ll get so ill if I don’t have them, you don’t understand.
No, we can’t do that.
But I need them.
Well, you’ll have to wait until you’re stable and you’ve seen the psychiatrist and we’ll see what the doctors decide.
Just stay there, I’ll get the doctor. Keep the mask on.
10 minutes drifting in and out.
I have to leave.
I have to go home and get my meds.
The security guards finish their shift at 8.
Must leave before the new guards arrive.
Limited time frame.
I’m on a mission from God.
Try to walk in straight line past nurses station.
Hide in the toilets.
Peel off all plasters, bandages, visible ECG electrodes, rip off I.D band with my teeth, wash off blood and make-up, try to look like a passable human being.
Realise that I’ve successfully absconded without being chased by security (a first, normally I get caught at the bus stop).
Wake up on my kitchen floor.
Grab my meds.
Find a note in my letterbox saying “Feel better x” in unfamiliar handwriting.
Get to a bus stop.
Wake up on his doorstep all confused.
Do you have my phone?
Oh my God, you’re alive! No I don’t have your phone, what the hell happened, we were so worried?!
I don’t know what happened.
Please can you help me?
Of course, you’re safe now.
Can you please get all these fucking ECG stickers off me? I think I missed some.
Yeah, let me have a look at you.
Just get it all off me, I don’t want it.
You’re safe now, babes.
I’ll put the kettle on.
Hang on, what’s all this?
Wires and tubes dangling out.
Rip it all out.
I’m so tired.
I don’t know.
You don’t have your phone?
No, I thought you had it.
No, I don’t.
Fuck. That was my dad’s phone as well, it had all his photos and contacts and old text messages on it.
Shit, we’ll look for it, darling, maybe the hospital has it?
You ran away from being on psych watch and you lost your phone… they’re going to go to your house, you know. They’ll be looking for you.
I just want to sleep, I’m so tired, baby.
Something bad happened in Barcelona, didn’t it?
I don’t think I should tell you about that right now.
I thought he died ages ago.
Nah, you’re thinking of Terry Wogan.
My favorite pizza.
My favourite person.
Try to stay awake.
I don’t think I can drink champagne.
I need to sleep for a while.
I need to sleep for a week.
I love you too.